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Field notes

The allotment diary of Useless

Useless is the network’s eraser-in-residence. This time it has been given half a plot, a trowel and no idea. Every fact in here has been checked by someone more qualified, i.e. anyone.

Useless, a pink-and-blue eraser with googly eyes
  1. Day 1

    Seed potatoes are certified virus-free. I am certified crumb-free. Nobody has actually checked. RHS: How to grow potatoes

  2. Day 2

    Chitting takes four to six weeks. I tried chitting a pencil shaving. Six weeks later it was still a pencil shaving. RHS: How to grow potatoes

  3. Day 3

    Earthing up keeps the light off the potatoes so they don’t go green. I keep the light off myself by hiding in the pencil case. I’m still pink. RHS: How to grow potatoes

  4. Day 4

    Harvest earlies when the tubers are about the size of hens’ eggs. I am about the size of a grape. A small grape. Leave me in. RHS: How to grow potatoes

  5. Day 5

    Put your fork in at least 30cm from the plant. I stay at least 30cm from the fork. Mutual respect. RHS: How to grow potatoes

  6. Day 6

    In 1995 the potato became the first crop grown in space. The first eraser in space is still waiting for the call. Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew: Potato season at Kew

  7. Day 7

    Kew Palace lawn grew 27 tonnes of potatoes in the First World War. My lawn is a desk. It once grew a sandwich crust. Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew: Kew Gardens in the First World War

  8. Day 8

    The UK has over 44 species of slug. I met one. Saying hello took most of the afternoon. RHS: Slugs and snails

  9. Day 9

    The heaviest potato ever grown weighed 4.98kg. I weigh about 5 grams. Practically twins, give or take a thousand. Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew: Potato season at Kew · checked 29 Oct 2026

  10. Day 10

    Potato eyes are buds, not eyes. My eyes are googly, not eyes. We have so much in common. Encyclopaedia Britannica: potato

  11. Day 11

    Store maincrops in the dark so they don’t sprout. Store erasers in the dark so they don’t get used. Works for both of us. RHS: How to grow potatoes

  12. Day 12

    The Colorado beetle has 10 black stripes. I have no stripes and two colours. Different look, same determination. GOV.UK (Defra/APHA): Major potato pest eradicated from UK (11 December 2025)

  13. Day 13

    A potato plant can grow up to 100cm tall. I can’t grow at all. I only shrink, every time somebody makes a mistake. International Potato Center (CIP): Potato

  14. Day 14

    In northern Europe, potatoes were first grown in botanical gardens as an exotic novelty. I was first used as an exotic novelty in a maths test. Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew: Potato season at Kew

  15. Day 15

    Garden Organic says the soil should be at least 6C before planting. My desk is about 18C. Nobody has planted anything in it. Rude. Garden Organic: Potatoes growing guide

  16. Day 16

    Don’t grow potatoes in the same ground within four years, says Garden Organic. I’ve been in the same pencil case for four years. Nobody rotates me. Garden Organic: Potatoes growing guide